If I am going to WALK CLOSELY with someone for any period of time, I am going to be EXPOSED TO their character flaws, their weaknesses – both real and perceived – their idiosyncrasies and their unreasonable behaviour. However, if I am going to closely FOLLOW AND SERVE someone for a period of time, I will at some point become the OBJECT of their character flaws, weaknesses, idiosyncrasies and unreasonable behaviour. It is inevitable! To state the inevitable is not to condone or justify it. What is wrong is wrong. What is weakness is weakness. What is hurtful or unreasonable remains the same, regardless of who is committing the offence. The perpetrator is irrelevant.

While these experiences may not be the product of deliberate ill intent, we will feel them all the same. Walking closely with someone as a peer puts me in a position of awareness and proximity, but I am not necessarily directly affected by their negative behaviour. It may be annoying or hurtful, but my own development and personal well-being are not on the line. Coming under the influence of a spiritual authority figure – like a pastor or spiritual mother/father figure, or even a boss or manager at work – especially to serve them – makes me an active participant in their highs and lows, with felt consequences. It will mean that in many cases I am no longer a mere bystander – I have now become the target. There is a big difference between watching someone take a right hook to the jaw and being the one who is taking the punch!

Walking a journey of deep intimacy with a leader means that I am going to have to take some punches along the way. Some of them will be the result of flailing arms as they try to steady themselves along the uneven terrain they are treading. Some will be little jabs, thrown from time to time to keep us awake and alert, while others will be direct and deliberate blows to the face – metaphorically speaking, of course. Some may be deserved, some may be correction, and some may be because of what they are dealing with in their own personal lives.  Nonetheless, all of them hurt and most of them catch us by surprise.

Rolling with the Punches

Being prepared for this unavoidable eventuality is the key to handling it in the right way. Offences – both big and small – are one of the enemy’s most powerful weapons in derailing the rich destinies of God-ordained relationships. Once offence, mistrust or dissent have entered the equation, the enemy has your back on the ropes and knees wobbling. Being prepared for and learning how to deal with the weaknesses of those we follow is vitally important if we are going to serve and follow successfully and enjoy everything that God intendeds to accomplish in and through the relationship.

The way we respond to such situations and offences says a lot about our own heart state and level of spiritual maturity. How strong is our urge for vindication versus our urge for understanding and mercy? Proverbs 19:11 says, “The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, and his glory is to overlook a transgression.”

An accurate awareness of our own fallenness, brokenness and tendency towards selfishness and self-preservation helps us keep a demeanour of humility and meekness when we are on the receiving end in such situations.

Nobody’s Perfect … Not Even Close

Okay … we all know this, right? We don’t mind acknowledging that nobody is perfect. Admitting it makes us feel better about our own imperfections and ought to make us a little more gracious towards the weaknesses of others. Yet, this becomes infinitely more difficult to do when their weaknesses affect us directly.

Leadership ought to be held to a higher standard – especially within the church. Although my natural dad often used to tell me with a wry grin, “Do what I say, don’t do what I do”, the reality is that we emulate the behaviours of those around us far more than their instructions. For those in leadership to lead effectively, therefore, they need to practice what they preach or risk undermining their own message and disqualifying themselves in the process.

Leaders must lead by example! It is part of the reason that spiritual father-son, mother-daughter relationships are so vital within the body of Christ, because they focus primarily on the development and shaping of one’s character through modelling within close and intimate relationships. It’s very hard to hide one’s weaknesses in this kind of walk, yet they provide a proving ground in which testing can take place in relative safety and anonymity. Having said that, we must also acknowledge that even the most mature and well-rounded leaders have blind-spots and holes in their defences that a measure of grace must allow for.

We are right to expect more of our leaders, but sometimes we grapple with the realisation that they are not as rounded out as we anticipated or that they have real struggles and challenges of their own. The closer we get to someone and the more we get to know all their quirks and jerks, the more likely we are to cast judgements and reach conclusions we never otherwise would have done. We forget that the pressures and battles that come with their position mean that they are confronting bigger giants, both internally and externally, than we have most likely ever faced ourselves. Living in the shadow of their shield generally means that there is something bigger and scarier on the other side that they are safeguarding us from, and that takes its toll.

Weaponising Weaknesses

The mistake that many people make is to use the weaknesses of leaders as weapons to discredit and deligitimise them. They feel that if they succeed in doing that, then they are somehow morally vindicated and can justify their own point of view, ideology or even rebellion. By magnifying the weaknesses of others, we seek to take the focus off our own shortcomings by highlighting theirs, giving us the feeling of false empowerment – that we now somehow have something over on them. The truth, however, is that this only proves our own insecurity and lack of humility. It demonstrates how deficient we are in Godly grace and character. While God may well need to do a work in that other person’s life, could he be using their weaknesses to do a work in your attitude?

Cut ‘Em Some Slack

For my heart to remain open and my attitude true, I need to be willing to give a measure of grace and understanding to those God is calling me to serve. God expects no less from them in dealing with my weaknesses, so it’s not like this is a one-way street. How can I expect others to suffer long with me and my weaknesses when I am not prepared to offer the same level of grace? Am I willing to endure a bit of harsh or unfair treatment? Am I willing to continue to walk alongside a leader and sincerely love and continue to honour them through their unreasonableness, pain or anger? If not, I will circumvent the purposes of God within that relationship. I will never develop the resilience within my character to deal with those who are unreasonable or immature further down the line. On an even deeper level than that, I will miss out on the ultimate blessing and inheritance God intends for me through that relationship.

Disclaimer

It ought to go without saying, but…

What I am talking about here is not blatant, unrepentant sin or abuse! In such cases, submission and ‘sucking-it-up’ is not an option. Necessary action is required. You may well need to seek help – but that is not the topic of this post.

What I am talking about here are both real and perceived personal shortcomings and weaknesses. Character flaws and rough edges. We all have them. We’re all working on them. Let’s give each other the benefit of the doubt.

More On This?

I’ve devoted an entire chapter of my book ‘Embracing the Heart of Spiritual Sonship’ to this subject. In fact, most of this post is an excerpt taken from that chapter. I have also written a chapter on what to do when we find ourselves caught under fallen or compromised leadership. Sadly, this is an all-too-often occurrence these days.

Get your copy from Amazon.com (using the links below) in either eBook or soft cover format.